This week is a hard week. For
many reasons. But the greatest is that on Tuesday our beautiful little girl would have been 1. We decided to spend the day as a family, doing things we thought "our sister" (as the boys say) would like to do. Our plan was to keep the boys out of school and drive a few hours north to the Out of Africa Animal Park. Both the boys, but especially Jackson are really REALLY into big wild cats right now. It was nice to have a plan for the day. A plan to enjoy our kids, to think about our baby girl and just to get out of town.
Well, wouldn't you know it, the day didn't go as planned. (I don't know why I even try and plan things anymore!) The morning started great. Starbucks drive-thru and two very excited boys. We knew that the weather might be a bit rainy up north so we packed extra clothes and made sure to layer (we are Seattle natives so we know how to visit zoos in the rain). As we were driving up the weather went from hot and sunny to rainy... really REALLY rainy FAST! All the way up and then down the mountain there was little to no visibility. No worries, we were prepared, and as we were coming down the mountain and approaching the park it was sunny and nice again. Perfect. And then... we arrived. And the gates were closed. So we waited. And we called. And then we were told, "the park is closed today due to weather". And then we cried. When I say "we" I wish I could say it was just the boys that cried- but nope, I cried too. Big sobbing tears. That day hit me all at once. So, we turned around and drove the two hours back home.
As soon as we started back the rain came again. Blinding, hard, pounding rain. As I was driving (yes I was driving through the tears. Chris is still recovering from knee surgery and although his movement is good, driving that far just isn't comfortable. Plus, if I had to concentrate on driving I wouldn't be sitting in the passenger seat crying the whole way home.) and trying to hold it together my mind was racing. Grief hit me, disappointment, frustration, and anger. I felt like saying, "seriously God? Of all things, the park just couldn't have been open TODAY?!?!?" As I was driving, and thinking, and arguing with God it struck me how fitting the storm we were driving through was. (here comes a metaphor for the day and for the last year- try and follow me here) We started the day bright and sunny, full of hope for a fun day with the kids. We knew it might get stormy but we were prepared- extra clothes, extra shoes, hats, and a fully mapped out scheduled day. Then the storm hit. And it hit hard. It slowed us up and made it hard to move as fast as we wanted to go. But then it cleared-just a bit. We still had a plan. But the park was closed. So we cried and we left. And then, the storm hit again. And this time it hit hard and hurt worse. It became harder to see what was in front of us. We had to just keep going. When the storm started to let up and we could start to make sense out of the road in front of us we suddenly became aware a terrible screeching noise- the windshield wipers. Even though we were out of the storm there was still this constant irritating reminder of the pain from the storm we just went through. If we turned the wipers off and just tried to ignore the rain we would get lost in it again, unable to see. So, we had to endure the nagging-screeching-reminding wipers and learn to drive in the drizzle.
Ok Ok I know, it might be just me that can see and feel the connection between a stormy drive/ruined plan and the year we had. But it feels pretty fitting. (Lucky for you I left out the part about the bully semi-truck) The way it felt driving in the blinding rain, looking and searching for the road in front of me. Listening to the awful screechy windshield wipers as a reminder of what we just drove through. That is exactly where I feel we are right now. Not in the downpour, but still in the drizzle. Seeing God's rainbow of hope, and just waiting for dry land.
The boys did pretty well in the car for four hours straight and seemed to be happy with our Plan B. We still managed to see some wild animals at Rainforest Cafe (over priced and not yummy- but they had animals!) and at the Aquarium.
We let Jack and Kai pick out birthday outfits in honor of their sister. We will be donating them to YoungLives in hopes that another little one-year old girl can be blessed by them. The boys took a lot of pride in picking out the gifts and felt like Embrie Grace would really like her presents.
Tuesday evening we continued to celebrate as a family with our close family friends. We are so blessed by this family and lost it all together as their oldest daughter prayed that Embrie is happy in heaven and that our new sister would come soon. The kids decorated a cake and sang. It was truly a special night. Another couple of close friends came over after the kids went to bed and just sat with us, somehow knowing we wouldn't want to be alone.
It's been a hard week, but we continue to look forward. We miss what we thought this year was going to be like. We grieve what we thought our family would look in our new home. We talk about our sweet girl and her beautiful birthmom daily.
Each night the boys pray for our "other sister" or our "new sister" to come soon. We have recently taken steps in hopes to make that happen. For the last 8 weeks Chris and I have been attending the PS-MAPP classes through Christian Family Care. These classes will certify us as Foster and Adopt Parents with the state of Arizona. Although we have been certified to adopt for over two years now, if we want to be considered by the state for infants in state care we must complete these ten classes. These classes have been very eye-opening as to the needs of children in our state's foster care system. The need is so great and I feel so blessed to go to a church that recognizes that need and strives to be a solution. You can find out more about our church's involvement
HERE.
We also have opened another avenue for our adoption by hiring an adoption consultant through Christian Adoption Consultants. Our consultant was referred to us by a friend who has recently welcomed home two daughters with our consultant's help. You can visit our consultant's blog
HERE.
We are tired and emotionally exhausted. But we are hopeful that God will fulfill His promises and He knows the desires of our hearts. We don't know where our adoption journey will take us next but I will be sure to keep you updated! Again, THANK YOU for your prayers and your love for us as our friends and family.
