Friday, August 2, 2013

Because Some of You Were Wondering

Sometimes I wonder how has it already been a year since life came crashing down.  Then at the same time I think, how has it only been a year?  Sometimes the pain feels a lifetime away, and then, in the next moment, it hits me like a ton of bricks.  The littlest things bring me back; cause me to remember.  Oh how I wish I could close my eyes and open them to this time next year- where things will be different... but I remember thinking that last year- and things are very different and not different all at the same time.  As much as so many of this past years moments have hurt I am glad I didn't fast forward these past 11 months.  I have grown- we have grown.  As a spouse, a couple, a family, as parents and as friends.

This time last year we were starting a whole new journey, a new relationship filled with ups, downs, and beautiful moments.  Really what I'd love is to close my eyes and go back to that.  11 months ago when things were magical.  We were matched with our beautiful birth mom who loved us, challenged us, and gave us the most beautiful gift we've ever been given.  It was a time when I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.  Where my heart beat so fast it felt like it would it explode.  It was like we were running with joy.

Then, at 34 weeks, our sweet girl lost her heartbeat. It was devastating.  To hear the pain in our beautiful birth mom's voice.  To feel our hearts ache worse than I've ever imagined possible.  We lost all sense of control, like life was unravelling and I couldn't grab onto anything.  To have to tell our boys.

We didn't understand.  We still don't.  The pain is less now- or maybe just more tolerable.  But as all these dates are approaching I find myself torn between wanting them to be over quickly and wanting to remember how each of them felt.  The first time we spoke to our beautiful birth mom, hearing her tell us she wanted us to be her daughter's parents.  The first time we saw our sweet girl's ultrasound picture- I swear she was smiling!  Feeling her kick with my hands. Skyping with her belly and listening to the boys talk to her.

My heart smiles and breaks at each of these memories.  How I wish it could be different.  I am comforted by Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Don't get me wrong, it's taken me almost 10 months to find comfort in that and my friends knew well enough not to remind me of it for quite some time.  But, when I stop and pray and listen, even though I don't understand, and I don't like it, and I wouldn't choose it, I find comfort in it.  I know that I don't see everything, I don't know everything.  But I trust and I know that what my God wants for me is better than what I have planned.  So as I wait, and grieve, and try so hard to figure it all out, I still know that He loves me.  I wait for more healing and to feel joy.

These next few months of memories are going to make me cry and make me smile.  As I keep learning and growing I pray that God can be glorified through me.  I pray I can get lost in His Word.  That I can find comfort in His promises.  That I can choose joy.

Thanks so much for your continued prayers and support friends.  Love you all!